Does this sound like you?
“I let everyone run all over me. I don’t know how to say, no.”
“I keep quiet because I’m afraid to tell someone how I really feel.”
“I don’t ask for what I need because it feels too threatening. I don’t want to stir up conflict.”
“I just can’t seem to muster the courage to stand up for myself.”
In other words, you’re not taking responsibility for defending yourself.
Yes, it is your responsibility to do this. Because if you don’t, who will? Not only is it unlikely that someone else is going to step up to the plate, if you aren’t defending yourself, you are perpetuating victimization. Because people who don’t defend themselves are constantly looking for a rescuer.
If you are acting out your victimization by letting people take advantage of you or harm you, either physically or verbally, then you are still waiting for someone to come and rescue you. Sound like an old story?
We’re not going there.
It’s time to change that story. But how do we start?
In your first week of Boundaries Boot Camp I’m going to teach you the most fundamental of principles to help you get out of this victimization game. The first step in creating healthy boundaries.
It’s a concept called “Self.” Self is that part of you that is not all the damaged parts of you, that deeper Self that is not the ego. For the purpose of this post, “ego” is simply the psychological construct of your personality.
In psychoanalysis we define the ego as “the part of the mind that mediates between the conscious and the unconscious and is responsible for reality testing and a sense of personal identity.”
Problem is, the ego doesn’t always know what is reality and what is “the story.” The ego is full of stories and it makes decisions based on those stories. With trauma as the back story, the ego is acting out from a “trauma informed” story. And if you gained your sense of personal identity (or not) under conditions of trauma, that personal identity is going to be shaky at best.
This is where Self comes in.
Dr. Richard Schwartz, the developer of Internal Family Systems (IFS), defines the qualities of Self as calmness, compassion, curiosity, courage, creativity, connection, confidence and clarity.
Steven Pressfield, author of The War of Art describes the Self as, “…the source of Infinite Wisdom and Consciousness. Dreams come from the Self. Ideas come from the Self. When we meditate, we access Self.
When we fast, when we pray, when we go on a vision quest, it’s the Self we are seeking. When we deliberately alter our consciousness in any way, we’re trying to find the Self. The Self is our deepest being… The Self… is ever-growing and ever-evolving.”
Wow! I don’t know about you, but I’d like to get to know this person.
You can get to know this part of yourself. We access Self in meditation, prayer, practicing gratitude, or simply by quieting the mind and focusing on our own heart space. Any activity that involves quieting the conscious mind and listening for something deeper, beyond the voice of the ego, gets us closer to Self.
And the goal of getting in touch with Self is to have it occupy the “seat of consciousness.”
We want Self driving the vehicle, not the damaged trauma informed parts of us. The parts that can’t stand up and defend us when we need and deserve defending.
So now we have somewhere to start.
Work on experiencing Self. This is the doorway to everything. A healthy Self does exist in there somewhere, beyond the wounding. Go looking for it.
Developing a healthy sense of Self is the first step on the road to gaining your autonomy and establishing healthy boundaries.
Until next time,
Anne
Week 1 Assignment:
Start learning what it feels like to be in “Self”. Start with the first exercise in The Survivor’s Compass method > HERE
And If you need a drill sergeant right NOW, sign up here: https://www.annemarck.com/mentoring/