In the first Boundaries Boot Camp post we learned that as survivors, the biggest hole in our childhood development was the experience of safety and Self.
To develop healthy boundaries, we have to work on what we missed. We have to fill those holes.
To develop the experience of safety, we have to first recognize the situations wherein we do not feel safe. The times when we sense or experience something as a threat. These may or may not be accurate perceptions.
A brain primed for survival may be interpreting all kinds of things as dangerous, when in fact no real threat exists.
Establishing a sense of safety for the body requires that we carefully listen and dismantle the perceptions of danger that are not accurate. That we figure out where we are engaging in avoidance to reduce the threat of being triggered into uncomfortable emotions.
Boundaries require that we stand up for ourselves, producing those uncomfortable emotions that we fear; giving in, not because we are in any real danger, but because we are afraid of being triggered into unpleasant feelings.
Here’s a personal experience – If I am in a room full of strangers, I get edgy and nervous. Something as simple as a pending speaking engagement can throw me into anxiety for days.
I’m afraid of making a fool of myself and experiencing social shaming.
My limbic brain has identified that this activity is not safe. Consequently, I may avoid social engagements, telling myself I am too busy, too tired, or whatever story my brain will accept as valid, even though that reason is far from the truth.
Sadly, you may have been telling yourself a “story” for so long, you don’t even recognize how small your life has become in an effort to feel safe by avoiding your triggers. How little autonomy you actually have because all your efforts are focused on feeling safe.
The need for safety is so tightly woven into our physiology, we don’t even think about the reactions that happen when we don’t feel safe, protective mechanisms that have become “rote” memory; learned behaviors that involve no conscious thought, carried out automatically in response to your environment.
Awareness of your triggers and the reactions to those triggers can be developed by learning how to focus on your internal experience with intention, stepping back and becoming an objective observer.
Once you know what is truly driving your reactions, you can begin to change them. You can begin to develop the sense of safety that you lack, by defusing the inaccurate perceptions of danger that your brain has developed under conditions of trauma.
Start by asking yourself, why do I feel threatened when I stand up for myself? What am I risking?
Once you have identified the real issues surrounding the drawing of boundaries, you can teach your body that it is safe. Both by defusing the situation with logic, i.e. I am not in any real danger when I defend myself, I’m just being triggered by the old story; and by purposefully pursuing an experience of peace.
Your body can be taught safety by a regular practice of experiencing feelings of peace. And you can reinforce those feelings of peace by embracing the truth of now. I am an adult now. I can defend myself now. I am not in any real danger now.
The past is over, but your body still thinks it is fighting for survival. You need to teach it a new story.
Until next time,
Anne
Week 2 Assignment
The Relaxation Response exercise is a simple, but effective way to develop an experience of peace and safety. It can also help you to develop your objective observer. Learn about it HERE.
Remember to keep practicing your experience of Self (Week 1) with the exercises from The Survivor’s Compass method HERE.
If you need a drill sergeant right NOW, sign up here: https://www.annemarck.com/mentoring/
P.S.: Obviously, if you are trying to stand up to someone who really isn’t safe, listen to your intuition and don’t go there. Seeking safety in your immediate environment and relationships is also an important first step in recovery.